2009年世界最有趣笑话编辑本段回目录
美国《读者文摘》今年评出的世界最有趣笑话。第一名由一则瑞典笑话获得。其它优秀作品来自不同的29个国家和地区。这其中一定有一些笑话会令你捧腹大笑，但也有一些会令你不明所以（这是文化差异所致），还有一些你会觉得似曾相识（这得感谢互联网）。
在本文的翻译中，个别地方，采取了意译的方式，以更符合中国人的趣味。还有一些画蛇添足的译者评论，尽可无视。
瑞典笑话
一名来自斯德哥尔摩、穿着整齐的男子来到乡间打猎。瞄准目标，他打下一只野鸭。但这只鸭子掉到一个农夫的地里，农夫说鸭子是他的。因为两人都想要，农夫就建议用一种老式的方法来解决争端。
农夫说：“我先用力踢你的裆部，接着你再踢我。谁叫的声音最小，谁就得到鸭子。”
城里人同意了。农夫拉开架势，奋力向城里人的私处踢去，城里人应声倒下。二十分钟过后，他才勉强站起来，喘着气说，“该我了。”
农夫跳开，说：“不用了。鸭子归你了。”
阿根廷笑话
一对老夫妇在汉堡王餐厅吃饭，他们非常小心地将汉堡和炸薯条分成两份。
一个卡车司机非常同情他们，就提议想给老太太单独点一份。“好啊。”老先生说。“我们分享一切。”
几分钟后，卡车司机注意到老太太还没动口吃一点东西，就对老先生说，“我真的不介意请您妻子吃一顿，但……”
“她会吃的，”老先生向他保证，“我们分享一切。”
司机不太相信，恳求老太太，“你为什么不吃一点？”
老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等他的假牙。”
澳大利亚笑话
一只北极熊走进酒吧，说，“给我来一杯苏格兰威士忌，还有……可乐。”
“为什么中间有那么长时间的停顿？”酒保问。
“我不知道，”熊答道，“我已经喝过这两样东西了（I've always had them）。”
（译者：#*…￥%）
巴西笑话
动物们排着队上诺亚方舟，一只跳蚤等得不耐烦了，就从动物的背上，一只只跳过去，往前挪。她跳呀跳，最后跳到一只大象的背上。这头迟钝的庞然大物转过头来，对着他的小伙伴怒气冲冲地说，“我就知道是你！他们在后面不停地挤呀推呀！”
加拿大笑话
一个男子对朋友说，“我老婆在进行为期三周的节食。”
“哦，是吗？那她现在减了多少？”
“两个星期。”
中国笑话
我表妹总是从她哥哥的小猪扑满里“借钱”，她哥哥很愤怒。一天，她四处寻找，才在冰箱里发现了扑满。扑满里有张纸条：“亲爱的妹妹，我希望你能够理解，我的资产现在已被冻结。”
克洛地亚笑话
警察走近一个在报摊前哭泣的男孩。
“怎么啦？”他问。
“超人还没有出来！”
“我来把他弄出来，”警察向他保证。“嘿，超人！” 他大声地叫道，“出来吧！我们不会伤害你！”
捷克笑话
电台DJ收到一个男子打来的电话，“我捡到一个钱包，里面有一万克郎。还有一张卡片，上面写着‘布拉格Seifert街3号，Jan Zieger’。”
“嗯……”DJ问，“你要我们做什么？”
“我能不能给那个人点一首歌？”
芬兰笑话
为了让结婚30周年的纪念旅行更完美，Hannu决定提前一天去30年前他们度蜜月的那家酒店去准备准备。晚上，他给妻子发了封电子邮件，但拼错了地址，邮件被发到一个寡妇的邮箱里。
第二天，寡妇的儿子发现妈妈昏倒在电脑前。电脑屏幕上是一封电子邮件：“我亲爱的太太，我刚到这儿，一切都为你明天的到来准备好了。我祝你像我来时一样，一路愉快。……另，这儿真的很热！”
法国笑话
总统萨科齐参观一家钢铁厂。让老板惊讶的是，总统先生热情地拥抱了一个叫Morton的雇员。在这之前，奥巴马和普京来访，也拥抱了他。但老板自己对这个雇员一点印象都没有，他对Morton说，“我打赌你不认识教皇。”
Morton耸耸肩，“我们一起打高尔夫。”
老板要求Morton马上扔下工作手套，跟他一起上梵帝冈。在祈祷仪式上，Morton溜了。当然，他后来又出现了--与教皇一起。
两个中国人拍着老板的肩膀问，“那个跟Morton站在一块穿着白衣服的家伙是谁啊？”
德国笑话
一个在市场游荡的男子想寻开心，就走进一个算命先生的帐篷里。
“我看你是两个孩子的父亲。”算命先生盯着水晶球说。
“哈！你就看到这个？”男子挖苦道，“我有三个孩子。”
“哈！”算命先生不以为然，“那只是你这么想而已。”
匈牙利笑话
医生：有没有采取我的建议，打开窗子睡觉？
病人：有。
医生：那你的哮喘全好了（（disappeared））？
病人：没有。但我的手表、电视、iPod和笔记本电脑不见了（disappeared）。
印度笑话
一个公司经理去医院看望一个非常好的中国朋友。“Li kai yang qi guan。”病人虚弱地说。
这位经理非常想帮助他，但他不会说普通话。
“Li kai yang qi guan。”病人说，咽下最后一口气。
那年晚些时候，这个经理在出差上海时，终于明白Li kai yang qi guan的意思：“离开氧气管。”
（译者：这个笑话只会让中国人不舒服）
韩国笑话
一个算命的小姐告诉我，“老板说什么，你就做什么。”
我认为这是一个明智的建议，我当时正在做一个重要的项目。好像正是为了证实这位算命小姐的灵验，那天晚上，我在报纸的星座栏目上也读到一条：“老板说什么，你就做什么。”
墨西哥笑话
印地安人问他们的新酋长，这个冬天会是寒冷的还是温暖的。这位年轻的酋长从没学过祖先的本事，他只是吩咐他们去捡木柴，然后，他走到一边，给国家气象局打电话。“今年冬天的天气会不会很糟糕？”他问。
“看上去是这样的。”他得到这么个回答。
于是酋长要求大家收集更多的木柴。一个星期后，他又打电话给国家气象局。
“你肯定今天冬天会非常冷？”
“毫无疑问。”
酋长要求族人继续捡更多的木柴。然后，他再次给国家气象局打电话：“你肯定吗？”
“我告诉你，那将是有史以来最寒冷的冬天。”
“你怎么知道？”
“因为印第安人正在发了疯似地捡木柴！”
（译者：这个，以及下面的荷兰笑话，才是本年度世界最有趣笑话。）
荷兰笑话
在一次长途飞行中，一个小女孩和一个律师坐在一块。她很想睡，但每次都被律师叫醒。“我们玩个小小的问答游戏，”他提议，“如果我答错了，我给你50美元。如果你答错了，你给我5美元。”
小女孩同意了，律师先提问，“地球与月球之间的距离是多少？”
小女孩掏出5美元给律师。现在她提问了。“什么东西上山时用三只脚，下山时用四只脚？”
律师呆了。他搜遍了互联网，翻烂了他的口袋本的百科全书，给他认识的每一个科学家发短信，但是，没用。一个小时后，他叫醒女孩，给她50美元，问，“答案是什么？”
女孩不吭一声，给了律师5美元，接着睡。
挪威笑话
一个女人在擦一盏灯时，突然迸出一个精灵。“你是一个善良的女士，所以我可以实现你的一个愿望。”精灵告诉她。
“看到那只猫吗？请把它变成一个威猛、英俊的男人。”她说。
精灵同意了。然后—啪！--猫变成了布拉德-彼特。女人跳到他的大腿上。
“在我们做爱之前，你不想说点什么吗？”她问。
“嗯。我敢打赌你一定很后悔上周把我阉掉了吧。”
菲律宾笑话
乔、迈克、玛丽和汤姆说起自己梦想的工作。
“我想成为一个律师，”乔开始，“这样我就可以保护我们乡下人了。”
“我想做一个国会议员，”迈克说，“那样我就可以制定法律，保护我们乡下人。”
“我想做一个医生，”玛丽说，“我好医治我们乡下人。”
“汤姆，你呢？你想做什么？”乔问。
汤姆想了一会，答道，“我想做一个乡下人。”
波兰笑话
临死之前，Stanislaw被他挚爱的家人包围着。最后的时刻就要来了，他聚集所有的力气，轻声地说，“我必须告诉你们一个秘密。”他的家人催他赶紧说。
他说，“在我结婚之前，我拥有一切：靓车、美女和大把的钱。但一个朋友警告我，‘赶紧结婚，建立一个家庭，否则，当你临死前口渴时，没有一个人会为你端上一杯水的。’我听取了他的建议。我离开了女孩们，娶了一个妻子。我不再狂饮啤酒了，我把钱留下给孩子买奶粉。我卖掉了法拉里，投资了一个大学基金。喏，现在，我有了你们。可你们知道吗？”
“知道什么？”
“我一点都不渴啊！”
（译者：这个真得非常不错，但读来有些辛酸。）
葡萄牙笑话
一个男子去拜访一个老朋友时，看见一个小女孩跑着穿过房间。
“地铺劳模，”朋友在后面叫她，“给我们两杯咖啡。”
“地铺劳模？多么奇怪的名字，”客人说，“这名字怎么来的？”
朋友叹了一口气。“我送女儿去里斯本的大学学习，她给我带回来一本地铺劳模（Diploma，有文凭之意）。”
（译者：葡萄牙人这么无趣？）
罗马尼亚笑话
一场紧张激烈的高速追车后，Vlad把车停在路边。“给我一个理由，我就不罚你。” 警官说。
“三个星期前，我妻子抛弃我，跟一个条子跑了，”Vlad解释，“看到你的车，我以为你想把她送回来。”
俄罗斯笑话
因经济衰退，为节约能源成本，隧道尽头的路灯将会关闭。--上帝
塞尔维亚笑话
一个邻居看到一个小男孩坐在台阶上哭泣。“怎么啦，宝贝？”她问他。
“我父亲，他用锤子砸在他的手指上了。”男孩抽泣着。
“那你为什么要哭？”
“因为当时我笑了！”
斯洛文尼亚笑话
离开法庭后，律师转身对一脸严峻的客户说，“Janez，怎么啦？你已经被宣告无罪了。”
“我知道，但现在，我真的有麻烦了，”Janez说，“我刚刚把房子租出去，三年合同。”
西班牙笑话
沙滩上，一个乞丐走近一个老祖母，伸出手，“求求你，señora，我一天没吃东西了。”这个可怜的人乞求着。
“好的，”老祖母说，“现在你游泳时不必再担心抽筋了吧。”
瑞士笑话
妻子：Honey，看到没？我买了一把新马桶刷？
丈夫：看到了。可我还是喜欢用纸。
台湾笑话
龟爸爸给儿子讲睡前故事。“从前，有一只小白兔。”
“哎呀，c’mon，老豆，”男孩说，“那是哄小孩的玩意。讲一个科幻故事吧？”
“那好吧。从前，有一只小兔子在外太空……”
“老豆！能不能成熟点。”
“Okay，okay。你要保证不告诉妈咪。”
“我发誓。”
“从前，有一只光着身子的小兔子……”
(译者：台湾人就是色)
泰国笑话
“快点，我们要迟到了！”一个幼儿园老师大声催着孩子们。
“干吗那么急？”一个小孩冷静地问道。
“如果我们迟到了，我们就赶不上下一节课了！”老师提醒他。
孩子耸耸肩，“如果你这么急，就留下我们，自己去吧。”
英国笑话
“在我祖父去世前一个月，我祖母在他背上涂满了猪油。自那以后，他的身体状况就急剧恶化了。”
--戏剧演员Milton Jones
美国笑话
一个牧师，一个部长和一个拉比比赛看谁的工作最出色。他们每个人分别跑进树林里，找到一头熊，并设法让它皈依。事后，他们回来，聚在一块。
牧师先说：“我找到熊后，我给他读教义书，给他身上洒圣水。下个星期，是他的第一个圣餐日。”
然后是部长，“我在小溪边找到一只熊后，就向他宣扬上帝的圣道。熊被我说服了，他让我给他施洗。”
他们低头看着拉比，拉比在躺在一副担架上，他说：“现在回想，我还真不应该从割包皮做起。”
（译者：牧师撒谎，部长更离谱，犹太人割包皮的习俗被取笑。）
In January, we set out to find the funniest joke in the world by asking our readers to send in their American favorites. Our judges, led by comedy legend Sid Caesar, trimmed the thousands of gags you sent in to ten. Then readers voted for the best. Meanwhile, Reader's Digest editions from around the globe did the same. Some of their jokes will make you guffaw, some will leave you confounded (that's the culture divide for you), and others will look familiar (that's the Internet for you). Read the funniest joke in the world, courtesy of Sweden, below and keep laughing at the 29 runners up.
WINNER
SWEDEN
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."
"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."
Plus: Top 10 jokes in America
RUNNERS UP
ARGENTINIA
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. "It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists. "She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!" 
AUSTRALIA
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a scotch and … Coke."
"Why the long pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I've always had them." 
BRAZIL
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, "I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!" 
CANADA
A man says to a friend, "My wife is on a three-week diet."
"Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?"
"Two weeks." 
CHINA
My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator. Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen." 
CROATIA
A concerned police officer approaches a boy crying in front of a newsstand.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Superman isn't out yet!"
"I'll handle it," the cop assures him. "Hey, Superman!" he shouts. "Come on out! We won't hurt you!" 
CZECH REPUBLIC
A man calls a radio deejay and says, "I've found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There's also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.' " "So?" says the deejay. "What do you want us to do?"
"Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?" 
FINLAND
Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: "My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. "P.S. It's really hot!" 
FRANCE
President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss's surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin's tour. Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, "I bet you don't know the pope."
Morton shrugs. "We play golf together."
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who's the guy in white standing with Morton?" 
GERMANY
Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. "Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think."
HUNGARY
Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have. 
INDIA
A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube." 
KOREA
A fortune-teller advised me, "Do everything your boss says." Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: "Do everything your boss says." 
MEXICO
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. "Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?" "Absolutely."
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?" "I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
"How do you know?"
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!" 
NETHERLANDS
A starlet is seated next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves her sleep, but he keeps waking her up. "Let's play a trivia game," he suggests. "If I answer wrong, I'll pay you $50. If you answer wrong, you owe me $5." The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"
The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it's her turn. "What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?"
The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the Internet, flips through his pocket encyclopedia, and texts every scientist he can find. No dice. Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $50, and asks, "So what's the answer?" Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep. 
NORWAY
A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.
"See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.
The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.
"Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.
"Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week." 
PHILIPPINES
Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. "I want to be a lawyer," Joe began, "so that I can defend my countrymen."
"I want to be a congressman," said Mike, "so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen."
"I want to be a doctor," said Mary, "so that I can cure my countrymen."
"How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?" asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, "I'd like to be a countryman." 
POLAND
Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret." His family urges him to go on.
"Before I got married, I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I'm not even thirsty!" 
PORTUGAL
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.
"Diploma," the friend calls after her, "bring us two cups of coffee."
"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor. "How did she get it?"
The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with." 
ROMANIA
Vlad gets pulled over after a high-speed car chase. "I'm going to help you out," says the police officer. "Give me a good excuse and I won't write you a ticket." "Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop," Vlad explains. "So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back." 
RUSSIA
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
—God 
SERBIA
A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. "What's the matter, honey?" she asks him. "It's my father," the boy sobs. "He hit his finger with a hammer."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because first I laughed!" 
SLOVENIA
As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-looking client and says, "Janez, what's wrong? You were acquitted." "I know, but now I'm really in trouble," says Janez. "I just rented out my apartment for three years." 
SPAIN
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. "Please, señora," the poor man pleads, "I haven't eaten all day." "Good," says the grandmother. "Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim." 
SWITZERLAND
Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.
Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper. 
TAIWAN
Papa Turtle is telling his son a bedtime story. "Once upon a time, there was a white bunny."
"Aw, c'mon, Dad," says the boy. "That's kid stuff. What about some science fiction?"
"All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space …"
"Dad! Make it more grown-up."
"Okay, okay. Promise you won't tell Mom."
"I swear."
"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny …" 
THAILAND
"Hurry up or we'll be late!" shouts a teacher to her kindergarten class.
"What's the rush?" a tot asks coolly.
"If we're late, we'll miss your next class!" the teacher reminds him.
The kid shrugs. "If you're in such a hurry, go on without us." 
UNITED KINGDOM
"About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather's back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly."
--Comic Milton Jones 
UNITED STATES
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision." --Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
